Thoughtful Thursday: Dating

I have been using Internet dating sites on and off for a while now. Aside from the creeps that you'll probably find anywhere anyhow, they are actually fun. At the least you'll meet interesting people and if you're lucky (and believe me finding a partner is mostly based on luck whether you use the internet or not) you'll find your soulmate. I actually know a couple of people who have found their special someone that way. Anyway, I figure that way I'll at least get someone who'll go to a museum or on a sunday walk through the park with me. 

So, lately I have been thinking about how men and women interact on these dating sites. Actually, the thoughts were triggered by a remark my friend D. made the other day. She somewhat offhandedly was talking about how it was the man's job to approach you. As a female all you had to do was put your profile online and wait ("Come into my parlour," said the spider to the fly...) and to be honest that's what I do. Because it works. And because it's very convenient for me. All I have to do is read the messages from men who are interested in me, based on my profile infos, and decide whether or not I want to answer. I do look at the profiles of men online but I have so far never approached one by writing him a message. Most women I know who have been using Internet dating sites do it like that, too.
After realizing this I sat back and wondered why that is. And then I remembered something I've read on figleaf's blog (in case you wondered, yes, I'm a big fan ;-) ). He calls it the two rules of desire:

1. It is simultaneously inconceivable and intolerable for a woman to have sexual desire.
2. It is simultaneously inconceivable and intolerable for a man to be sexually desired.   (he said it here)

I think these two rules pretty much describe the underlying reasons why I (and apparently a lot of other women, too) approach (Internet) dating so passively. I feel uncomfortable approaching a man online (and offline for that matter) because I fear being seen as too pushy or needy or aggressive. And because  I have this vague notion that in order to attract a man I have to let him be the pursuer. That I will appear less interesting  if I'm too "easy" to obtain.  It's kind of as if I'm the prize in the game that we're playing and the more effort he has to put into obtaining the prize the more valuable the prize will be. And if the prize just falls into his hands (i.e. me approaching him) it's not so desirable.

Sarah on Feministe put it this way:

"One of the things that bothers me especially is the “He’s just not that into you” framing for women, particularly heterosexual women: we are supposed to worry about whether we are desirable, not what we want. The “No means no” model works the same way: we are consenting to something, not desiring it. The “she wanted it” rape excuse: our wants are not our own to define." (find the whole text here) 

In another post on her personal blog she puts it in a wider perspective:

"Sexual desire isn’t the only thing that women have been limited on. We’re expected to be restrained about food, about power, about love, about friendships, about everything. Even I worry constantly that I’ve crossed a line, that I’m bothering someone if I call too much or email too much, and I think that stems from the same place: feeling that I’ve made the fact that I want something too clear, too obvious." (the whole post is here)

 I have pretty much managed to overcome my conditioning on being restrained when it comes to food. I eat what I like, when I like it and how much I like. I'm can even (most of the time) ignore the appalled, indignant, abusive etc. reactions my love for food (and my more-than-mainstream figure) sometimes engenders. So maybe it is time that I overcome some of my other restraints. Maybe it is time for me to approach men instead of waiting to be approached. We'll see.

Have a happy and thoughtful Thursday.