It seems even though I am unemployed, I am not out of work. Admittedly, it is a very fine line between the two, but a very important one. Anyhow, the difference is, I'm not getting paid for what I do, but it is work, nonetheless. Nevertheless, a lot of people assume that when you are jobless, you have an endless supply of time. That might be true for some, but I find myself very busy with writing applications, attending seminars on how to write said applications successfully, advancing my computer skills in yet more seminars, writing articles for eufrika.org, working on variuos projects, preparing and teaching a course at the university (for which I'll eventually get paid, hopefully) and the usual keeping the household running stuff, e.g. laundry, cooking, cleaning and more laundry.
In order not to fall into that dreaded I-wear-my-ratty-yoga-pants-all-day-and-only-leave-the-house-to-get-a-fresh-supply-of-chocolate slump, I try to give my day as much structure as possible. That's why I leave the house every morning to spend the day at the library where I do my work, if I don't have one of the above mentioned seminars. Twice a week I have fixed appointments in the evening (one for yoga, the other for eufrika), then on other evenings I regularly meet with people with whom I'm working on various projects which I hope will at some point lead to a paid function. Last week I had exactly one evening on which I was home before 8 pm and on which I had no appointment.
This is not to complain (although, I do that a lot, too, just ask my friend and flatmate D.). I just want to demonstrate, that even when you're not working in a paid function, you can be working nonetheless. In our society where a person's worth is so often fixated on what she does for a living, those of us who do not make a living with their work, tend to get a little lost in the narration of our lives. It is very hard to remember that what you're doing actually does have worth, even though it is not directly translated into money in your bank account. While some of the work I am doing at the moment is aimed at getting myself into a position where I do earn a living, some of it is not. And still it has a worth. Because I benefit others with that work. Be it the housework (only ask D. for the benefits of my housework skills) or my voluntary work. There might not be an immediate pecuniary result to it, but I believe that it is valuable nonetheless.
Still, there are times in which I feel worthless and excluded. There are those small-talk moments with people you meet at a function/party/seminar, in which the question "and what do you do?", inevitably arises and it is usually one of the first three questions that comes up. The "...for a living..." part is not necessarily included, but usually implied. It used to be fairly easy to answer. I was a student of Islamic and African Studies at University. I had an identity. (I save the question: "And what are you going to do with that?!?" that inevitably followed every time for another rant...) These days, it is not so easy. I find myself saying: "I'm a lecturer at the University" more often than not. Even though that is but the smallest part of what I do. And I haven't even gotten paid for it yet (yet another subject for another rant...) But to say: "I am unemployed at the moment!" Or even telling people about the work I am doing at the moment, no, that is too embarrassing. It has no status. It makes me someone to be pitied at best. Or someone to look down on at worst.
And even harder is it to justify things to myself. Am I entitled to downtime? to play? to take the weekend off from the endless grind that seeking a job is? to say no, when someone expects me to do something for her because I supposedly have the time? You bet I am. Do I know it? Most of the time. Do I follow through with it? Sometimes. Do I remember it on account of others? Not nearly enough.
I believe we as a society place too much emphasis on the monetary worth of things. We tend to draw a lot of our identity from what we do, and the more money we earn with what we do, the more worth we have as a person. On the other hand, if something we do, does not earn us any money, it consequently earns us less respect. Is the work a stay-at-home dad/mom does, really worth less than that of a teacher? And is the work of that teacher worth less than that of a bank manager? In terms of what this person is paid for it, it seems so. In view of the respect that person gets in general, sadly, it seems so, too. In terms of its value for us as a society, I think, not. Maybe it is time for us to value work differently, to re-think our definition of work and its worth, to find a new approach to what defines us as valuable members of society.
And maybe it is time for myself to re-evaluate myself. To give a different answer to the question: "What do you do?" Maybe even ask myself a different question: "who are you?!" And not let myself be defined by my financial/professional status, but by what makes me the person I want to be. Not the person who I want to portray.
Now, after you bore with me through one of my lengthy rants, here's what you're actually here for.
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