Tasteful Tuesday Review: Sherlock Holmes (2010)

I adore watching really bad movies. Movies that make you cringe with their bad-ness. And have you holding your belly because of their unintentional humor. Last Saturday I watched one of those movies. Oh, it was so terrible, it was awesome. It was one of those movies that makes me want to be a scriptwriter. I mean, it must be so much fun to come up with that s***.

Okay, here’s the plot:

England sometime in the 1880s: Robert Sherlock Holmes, yes, apparently his given name is Robert, didn’t you know? But well, nobody remembers a detective named Robert, hence he goes by his second name Sherlock ( I guess it’s different if you’re a pirate and you can give yourself an epiteth to go with your name, like the Dread Pirate Roberts). Anyways, Holmes is consulted on a case that is officially investigated by Inspector Lestrade (who apparently sells himself as some sort of popular hero claiming Holmes’ success in other cases as his own). The case concerns the mysterious demise of a ship that had sunk in the Channel and that was carrying Jamaica Gold from the colonies. The movie actually starts with a scene where the ship is attacked by a giant kraken (yepp, that’s right a kraken) and pulled into the depths of the Atlantic. When the lone survivor tells Holmes, Watson (big, bumbly but loyal of course) and Lestrade what has happened, his story is naturally considered a fantasm due to shock by the latter two. Holmes, of course shrouds himself in mystery as to his thoughts about it just dropping seemingly inconsequential tidbits here and there. After all this is Sherlock Holmes, THE Sherlock Holmes.

If you think a giant kraken is a bit out there, you’ll be in for a surprise. It gets even better. Soon after the kraken incident, there is another super-natural occurence. This time in London’s East End. A T-Rex is roaming the streets, adding some diversity to its diet by eating local prostitutes.  Holmes with his superior talents of deduction soon discovers that these incidents must be connected (who would have thunkit, not mere mortals like Watson and me, that’s for sure). After some dithering (uhm, I mean sleuthing) and of course more screen time for Rexy, the trail leads our two heroes to some castle somewhere in the countryside. The clue was some sort of pebble that Holmes found on one of Rexies victim’s. It turns out that there is only one castle in the whole of England (and maybe Scotland and Wales, too) that was built with those pebbles. Naturally. And Holmes knows that fact, because he spent his childhood right next to said castle (hint: THIS IS A MAJOR CLUE).

So, off to the castle we go. And break in. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re a super-detective investigating. Inside the castle they run straight into a trap (designed to show off Holmes’ superiority over Watson due to his cold, analytical mind), anyways, they (I mean Holmes) manage to find a way to get out of the trap, only to come face to face with the villain. Enter: Holmes’ brother. Uh-huh, you heard me, the villain is none other than Sherlock’s own brother. He’s called Thorpe, not Mycroft, but maybe he goes by his second name, too. Might be a family thing. Or there is another brother. Maybe Holmes Senior had a whole bagful. Who knows?

Turns out that Holmes II has been a cop (no they did not use that word, but they might as well have, given the rest of the movie) and what’s more he was the partner of Lestrade. Until the fateful day when he, in hot pursuit of some bankrobbers, was shot in the back. Supposedly by his own partner. This has left him paralyzed and bitter. But now he has found a way to get his mobility back with the help of a bizarre metal-suit (looks like a beta version of Iron Man) and Cortisone (Yepp. Cortisone. In  the 1880s)  So now he’s only bitter. Understandibly he wants to take that bitterness out on the world. Who wouldn’t? In addition to his Iron Man Wannabe suit he came up with this convoluted plan for revenge? punishment? to take over world power? Who cares! He and his female sidekick, a robot? witch? succubus? evil governess?, have a plan. One that includes a suicide bombing, a steampowered flying dragon and Inspector Lestrade as a scapegoat. And lots of fire, special effects and a hot air balloon (oh wait, that’s not part of the plan, that’s just lying around by coincident so that Holmes, Robert uh Sherlock that is, can go off in hot pursuit of the flying dragon).

Abso-fucking-lutely Awesome!

And who hasn’t been won over by this incredible script, that somehow makes me think that a thirteen-year-old has been on a Conan-Doyle-Reading-Rampage and is now confusing Sherlock Holmes with The Lost World, let me tell you there are more reasons to watch it:

The HAIR: truly awesomely terrible movie are often marked by bad hair, this one is no exception.

The Costumes: Only one word neccessary: Bowtie! As in Holmes is always wearing one!

The Language: „Watson, you are an a**hole!“

Steampunk! Whoah, one of the things I love about steampunk: it can be so cool when done well and it can be truly hilarious if not. I let you decide which category this one falls in.

So on my personal grading scale for horribly hilarious movies: A solid B+ (Oh, by the way, surprisingly the movie never made it to a theater but was released on Video)

 Happy December 14th! I have to say I'm a big fan of Sherlock, the real one :)